Dating Apps - Yay or Nay?

[NDN1984]

I probably posted this on the old forum a few years back, but here's the back story.

I've been single for nearly six years. This was due to my ex dying suddenly, and I spent a couple of years grieving. 

I've used a few apps (Tinder / PoF / Scruff), and have had the grand total of ONE date. The date was earlier last year and was a disaster. The guy had no personality, no charisma and it felt a bit like an obligation on both our sides.

Bare in mind, I'm not looking for sex. I wouldn't feel confident with a stranger for a one-off, and worry about performance (I have a habit of cumming too early when masturbating and my mouth doesn't open wide for oral as much as I'd love to give a BJ). The problem is, it seems it's the same faces on rotation on the apps since I started using them on and off in 2017. These people are either got to be fakes, scammers or people wanting high expectations. Adding to that, I talk to guys and it seems it's either a quick chat or they have no intention to meet despite being in a 20 mile radius.

What do you suggest? Persist or look at other ventures?

[9in]

You live in a part of the country that's hardly hugely populated, the number of people who might even be interested is going to be smaller than if you were a card carrying hetero alpha, so I guess it's to be expected you'd see a lot of the same people. Couple that with most apps either fitting into two broad categories: aimed at the gay market with want-to-fuck-now promises (Grindr, Scruff etc) or the mainstream apps (PoF, OKC etc) where nominally you'd expect at least the people to be a bit more serious, but there tend to be fewer non-straights on them.

I'd say persist, even on Grindr I get to chat to someone who's not just a dick with a hairy chest occasionally and broaden your horizons too. If you have any interests that can be shared look for social groups which cater to the not-so-straight, I know that's probably tough right now, but I have two friends who met their partners through such things, one a football team, the other a boardgame group.

Nothing worthwhile comes easy though, so keep at it!

[Heinrich]

The existential crisis of our times. Even big cities get a bit repetitive after a while. Utilize them all, find a comfortable regular spot to go, and keep yourself out there.

Hell, use the board, too.

[NDN1984]

Thanks for your responses guys.

Grindr - yeah, I feel a bit "uncomfortable" on that app as there are too many people either too young (18 year olds) or too old (60+) messaging me. I did find my ex on Gaydar back in 2010, but I feel that was just a lucky strike. I suppose it could be worth a go.

Problem is, there's absolutely nothing to do since the Covid pandemic. Nothing seems to be open, and there's hardly anything to do in my small town unless you are old. I am looking for work, and hoping that could open up some doors so I am actively trying. I do live on the outskirts of a big city, but it seems it's going to be an age until gatherings and meet-ups happen.

[Heinrich]

You'll get lucky (ha) again. Until then, you have all us others with whom to commiserate.

[NDN1984]

You'll get lucky (ha) again. Until then, you have all us others with whom to commiserate.

The time will come - I know it's an old cliché, but this won't be permanent!

Hey, I like it on here!

[jdcyl]

Useful advice would depend on whether you live/ work in a ‘sufficiently gay’ neighbourhood’, or at least one where people are outgoing (judged pre-covid). So, if you were out and about, getting on with daily life, are there guys there you’d be interested in meeting? Yes/ no?

(Sorry, I was writing the above at the same time you posted that you’re looking for work.)

[NDN1984]

Useful advice would depend on whether you live/ work in a ‘sufficiently gay’ neighbourhood’, or at least one where people are outgoing (judged  pre-covid).  So, if you were out and about, getting on with daily life, are there guys there you’d be interested in meeting?  Yes/ no?

To be fair I did have a social life with sadly mainly hetrosexual men and women, and it was just the odd drink at the pub or in a cafe. Over the last year, I realised these people were not my friends and therefore I've hardly socialised other than my own family. In fact bar my voluntary job (which has now ended due to Covid), I rarely saw anyone. 

As for meeting guys, all are either straight so that's a nil pointer. There's hardly any gay scene, and it's either trans or lesbian. It's one of those towns where it's a huge risk being openly gay.

[Parsifal]

Problem is, there's absolutely nothing to do since the Covid pandemic.

Oh, they're fucking like rabbits out there.
But you're smart not to.

There's hardly any gay scene, and it's either trans or lesbian. It's one of those towns where it's a huge risk being openly gay.

Sounds like you should move.  I suggested this to you last time and you had some reason not to.  But clearly nothing has changed for you.
If there's a will there's a way.

[NDN1984]

Problem is, there's absolutely nothing to do since the Covid pandemic.

Oh, they're fucking like rabbits out there.
But you're smart not to.

There's hardly any gay scene, and it's either trans or lesbian. It's one of those towns where it's a huge risk being openly gay.

Sounds like you should move.  I suggested this to you last time and you had some reason not to.  But clearly nothing has changed for you.
If there's a will there's a way.

If I am honest, I didn't move due to the pandemic and the reason I am where I am living at the moment is my sister is homeless due to a relationship breakdown, so she's living with me with her youngest child who is six (The three of us squeeze into a small one bedroom flat and I am sleeping in the living room). She has a home and job lined up (she is waiting for a date to move into her new property in a village in between Bristol and Weston-super-Mare). Two of her kids are with my Mum and the middle child is with her other Nan in the same town.

[Parsifal]

If I am honest, I didn't move due to the pandemic

The pandemic began 5 months ago in March.  Several years passed since you posted this same issue.

the reason I am where I am living at the moment is my sister is homeless due to a relationship breakdown, so she's living with me with her youngest child who is six (The three of us squeeze into a small one bedroom flat and I am sleeping in the living room). She has a home and job lined up (she is waiting for a date to move into her new property in a village in between Bristol and Weston-super-Mare). Two of her kids are with my Mum and the middle child is with her other Nan in the same town.

Understood.  Sounds like your sister living with you (with her youngest child) is temporary.  Then what?
A few years later you'll post this same problem again.

[Heinrich]

It sounds like you have some rather unique challenges to finding a mate at the moment. In addition to the trauma of losing a partner. Might need to wait to really go for something serious.

But really, you seem the patient and hopeful sort.

[NDN1984]

If I am honest, I didn't move due to the pandemic

The pandemic began 5 months ago in March.  Several years passed since you posted this same issue.

the reason I am where I am living at the moment is my sister is homeless due to a relationship breakdown, so she's living with me with her youngest child who is six (The three of us squeeze into a small one bedroom flat and I am sleeping in the living room). She has a home and job lined up (she is waiting for a date to move into her new property in a village in between Bristol and Weston-super-Mare). Two of her kids are with my Mum and the middle child is with her other Nan in the same town.

Understood.  Sounds like your sister living with you (with her youngest child) is temporary.  Then what?
A few years later you'll post this same problem again.

I was planning to go before the pandemic, but it fell through. I admit I have dithered and froze and played it safe, but I think once my sister has moved out (and with me having interviews in the pipeline), I will be making those plans. I am 100% determined now and I think my sister's influence has had a part to play in making me determined.

[Parsifal]

It sounds like you have some rather unique challenges to finding a mate at the moment. In addition to the trauma of losing a partner. Might need to wait to really go for something serious.

But really, you seem the patient and hopeful sort.

Well, you're the psychologist.  

Ever read the book "Games People Play" by Eric Berne, M.D.?
There's one in the book called "Why Don't You - Yes But".

[NDN1984]

It sounds like you have some rather unique challenges to finding a mate at the moment. In addition to the trauma of losing a partner. Might need to wait to really go for something serious.

But really, you seem the patient and hopeful sort.

I could write a book about everything has happened. The problem is, I don't want to be defined by this. I am 36 in November, and I guess I may have to wait another year. The thing is, when the time comes I hope the wait is absolutely worth it.

[Parsifal]

I was planning to go before the pandemic, but it fell through. I admit I have dithered and froze and played it safe, but I think once my sister has moved out (and with me having interviews in the pipeline), I will be making those plans. I am 100% determined now and I think my sister's influence has had a part to play in making me determined.

Very good.
Tell us when you've moved.

[ladsnet]

I find Grindr is great if you want to spend a couple of hours watching adverts for Peggle/Bust-a-Move ripoffs.

[9in]

I find Grindr is great if you want to spend a couple of hours watching adverts for Peggle/Bust-a-Move ripoffs.

Which is probably more fun than talking to 90% of the vapid Grindr hoes in Manchester! 

[Icart Cruiser]

I'm currently using Fabswingers & find everyone in my area quite chatty, it's doesn't seem as ageist as Grindr so for me at 58 it's ideal. I'm also on Squirt & have been for years, however I've never had a meet from it. The admins of all 'dating' sites could do with clearing out the inactive profiles rather than just leave them to make the site look busy/

[NDN1984]

I do agree about inactive profiles. I did download Squirt a year a go, and the nearest match was Plymouth which is about 101 miles away! The guys in my area were either inactive or the same faces on the other apps.

I dont want to sound creepy stalker here, but there's a guy on these apps who lives in the North of my town and works on the trains. He's cute, I have messaged him, never got a response but is he someone who is aiming for an unrealistic match? Bare in mind in my town, I'm not a native (originally from the Midlands) and it seems everyone goes for their own kind.