Advice - Printable Version

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Advice - runcornian - 30-09-2020

Hey, Keeping it simple. I'm a very sexually inexperienced confused bi guy who didn't have any friends, quite introverted and low self esteem. Nobody knows about my bisexuality (possibly gay hence confused) apart from two new friends I've made recently who have pretty much changed my life. Lately I have found myself becoming increasingly attracted to one of them as he is good looking and we have a fair bit in common but I don't know what to do about it or even if it is a simple crush or whether I am confusing a desire for close friendship with something more.

I wouldn't want to ruin the friendship by making a fool of myself and I wouldn't want to alienate the 3rd guy by being in a couple while he is actively looking for a partner. Up until recently I'd never had any interest in having a relationship with anyone never mind another man and I had told these friends that.

Do I say something now, let it go and hope I get over it which I think I would or leave it a while longer and see how things develop in the friendship? He is going on a first date with someone on Friday which scares me a bit haha.

RE: Advice - Parsifal - 01-10-2020

You didn't say it, but it sounds like the two new friends are gay.  Yes?
From what you write I would stay with the friendship for now.  If he's interested he may make the first move.  It sounds like he's not inexperienced.

RE: Advice - jdcyl - 01-10-2020

Can you clarify whether, aside from forming a more intimate relationship, you wouldn’t say no to just casual sex with someone (not necessarily just ‘saving yourself’ for this guy)? If yes, why not be honest with both of them, and let them know you’re looking to hook up?

Assuming they’re not mean and bloody minded, you could spend entertaining time picking someone for you (online and/ or otherwise). The point being, at least it wouldn’t be unsaid. They would know plainly that you’re looking for sex, and if lucky, more of a relationship. That might spur a revelation, or it may not. Your circumstances wouldn’t be any worse off, because at the moment you’ve left them with the notion that you prefer having no one.

RE: Advice - runcornian - 01-10-2020

So to answer a few points, yes they are both gay, well 1 is 100% and the other is bi but favours men, pretty much like I do. My crush is the gay lad. They are both VERY experienced and have had relationships in the past.

I am not against casual sex for myself, they have opened my eyes to a whole new world and it has made me want to hook up with guys but due to my inexperience I have to have the right moment etc. I wouldn't say no to a hook up with either one of my friends but I think that is potentially risky in case they think less of me afterwards. We do talk to each other about local lads on grindr etc

My fear is that while I'm just happy being friends he could be meeting someone else and getting close to them leaving me missing out but then this is where my confusion comes in. Am I just jealous that someone else would be spending time with him and I wouldn't be meaning I'm missing out on time with my friend?

RE: Advice - Sleepyrabbit - 03-10-2020

For what it’s worth my advice would be that you can’t put a price on friendship. Especially genuine gay friends for someone in your situation.
I’ve got several gay friends and they have always been platonic friendships and even if I did have feelings or attraction to them, I think they are too valuable to risk by crossing a line into something sexual.
Stick with what you have, you’ll not regret it and you’ll probably meet lots of other guys and have a wider social circle in the long run.

RE: Advice - jumbler - 04-10-2020

I think that’s a life lesson I’ve hopefully learned. Rein in your feelings until the other guy makes a move on you. Definitely.

RE: Advice - runcornian - 04-10-2020

Thank you. I would/will probably do that anyway, more for not having the guts to tell him haha. Anyway, in the long run if we get friendlier and closer naturally things might develop BUT he has been very complementary to me lately especially about my new look and body but I still might be reading too much into that.